Frozen Time

Every Sunday night S and I have a similar conversation…. it involves me  expressing my desire to hold on to that precious weekend time and put off the return to work that Monday brings.  My simple request is that I wish I could freeze time. 

Sometimes I wish for this so I can get more done but most of the time it’s simply so I can enjoy more nothingness time of the weekend, reading, taking naps, watching movies, etc. 

Today, I was gifted the closest thing I will likely ever get to freezing time…. The SNOW day!  Well, perhaps snow is a misnomer in our case, it’s more of an accumulated sleet and ice day.  Thankfully since this weather is pretty rare for our region our infrastructure is fairly unprepared to make our streets passable when this type of weather blows in so once a year or so we get a free day off school and work in these parts. 

This morning I thought about trying to make this a productive day and then I took a nap and thought better of it.  I mean wouldn’t productivity being scoffing in the face of this gift of time I’ve been given?  Yes, this day is much better suited for reading one of the 3, yes 3, different books I have going on my Kindle right now, playing with T, catching up on blog reading, watching bad tv, more napping, or anything else I am usually complaining that I don’t have enough time to do.

Off I go.  Hope you find some non-productive “frozen” time to enjoy this week too.

Sweet mother!  This just in, looks like our temps are going to be lingering in the teens overnight which means the roads will still be frozen and tomorrow will be a “snow” day too!  Dear God, thank you for granting my wish.  I now know freezing my time IS possible.

Another year here already, HOW did that happen?

I’m a terrible slacker.  Honestly, I have no idea how 2 months have passed with me posting absolutely nothing.  Many things and events could be blamed but it really just boils down to me being lazy and convincing myself I didn’t have anything to say anyhow, when of course I ALWAYS have something to say.

This past year went by in a blur.  I really feel like it should still be October nonetheless here we are back in January.  It was a good year and I continued to be incredibly blessed with amazing people and experiences in my life that I could never deserve by my own doing.

I’m don’t usually bother making new years resolutions, however, I do like the idea of using the new year as a time to set back and refocus on priorities, SO here goes.

1) Focus more on the little moments – even if it means I check fewer items off my to-do list.  I especially think this is important as we’re trying to expand our family, while it’s still just the 3 of us to make the most of our “quiet” time.

2) Work on making healthier choices – be it making time for exercise, taking time to be with my friends, making better food choices, or just giving myself time to breath

3) Remove the excesses from my life – take inventory all the stuff in my house, give away, recycle or repurpose the things we don’t use and try to remember in my purchases this year that I just don’t need more stuff.

I feel like I’m on the cusp of some changes this year and hope it’s all for the better.  Here’s to 2011 being a great one!

Both sides of my now

Working and raising children really are very similar endeavors. 

Daily care of each is best handled at least starting with a to do list. 

Both require patience and understanding everyday. 

Being able to multitask if very helpful for each. 

They can drive you to drink… oh wait, is that just me, nah, can’t be!

Both can increase your confidence or make you feel like the you have no idea what you’re doing… sometimes all in the same day.  And that was my day today. 

 The day started out mildly enough… ridiculousness from the usual cast of characters at work that quickly escalated to pissing me off.  I’m usually pretty good at leaving work at work and I did that today too until the evening started skidding downhill then my earlier frustrations can speeding back to the knots in my shoulders.

S is traveling for work so I’m solo with T this week.  I had planned for us to meet a friend and her little girl for dinner.  T was excited as always about going to CFA but he was uncharacteristically unruly, to put it mildly, tonight and I was beside myself by the time we left dinner, cut short by the fact that he thought it would be fun to run around the restaurant away from me.  Seeing as how it annoys the crap out of me to see other people “let” their children roam freely in a restaurants this did NOT sit well with me.  Once I acted like I was going to leave without him however he showed up at my side.  Crying then ensued as we exited to the car and he learned that NO he would NOT be watching TV before his bath, as if!  I remained quiet on the way home then sat him down for a “discussion” about how we do and do not behave in public.  Oh yes, I almost forgot, at some point in his insanity at CFA he scrapped the bottom of his foot while he was climbing on the door to the play area then jumping down as I approached to snatch him down, so now he was hurt which was making  discipline somewhat harder to accomplish.  We headed to the bath, me carrying the injured T of course, then he worked himself into a crying fit once into the bath that led to him throwing up a little which meant the bath had to move to another bathroom. 

FINALLY I got him in bed and then I came downstairs and stole a piece of his Halloween candy.  That’s right, I stole from my child because he pissed me off!  Ok, that’s not really stealing, but any way you look at it, I think after tonight I deserve that piece of bubble gun dang it!

Here’s hoping tomorrow is much less eventful on both sides of the day.

Where did all the Friends Go?

We all know that as we get older finding and keeping up friendships is harder, it’s just a fact, and one of the things that sucks about being an adult.  I file it right up there with taxes.  When you’re a kid, even into the college years, friendships are easy because you’re constantly surrounded by people, mostly by your choosing, at a common place in life experiences, etc.  After college you keep in touch with a few friends, take a few with you, make some new ones in whatever city you find yourself moving to or not.  The college mentality of going out and packing your weekends full of activities remains strong for a while and then things eventually start to taper off…. People start getting married, moving to different suburbs and hanging out with different people but you still try to keep in touch…. it’s work but you do it with the people you really care about for the most part.  Then, someone has a kid, maybe you or maybe someone else, and it starts to get harder, and then you come home on a Friday night and realize you have no plans or even the possibility of plans for the entire weekend, and you wonder, where did all the friends go?

 Ok, maybe it doesn’t happen exactly like that or perhaps not that quickly after you or one or more of your close friends has kids, but it certainly felt that way to me.  During pregnancy it was still good, aside from having to skip a night at a smokey bar or another late night here and there, I still hung out with most of my friends pretty regularly.  They gave me baby showers, my besties were at the hospital when T was born… hanging around for the long evening of waiting, waiting, and more waiting, and came to visit me and baby T after we were at home too.  At some point I just started feeling left out of everything.  admittedly I am sure that many of those feelings were self-inflicted and hormone induced, but still it felt like in a blink I was going it alone.

S assured tried his best to assure me that motherhood had not instantly made me a boring companion that nobody wanted to spend time with I was just going to have to work harder on my friendships.  It took awhile, and many hormone fed hours of contemplation but I did eventually come out of the mom cloud and realize that he was right.  I hadn’t morphed into a mom-blob that nobody wanted to talk to I had just be focusing WAY too much on ME and hadn’t considered all the other factors at play… in the time since T was born my two best friends were 1) planning her wedding and 2) very new in what ended up as a serious relationship.

I can’t help by wonder how many other women, moms or not, go through similar crisis where they question their friendships and their validity as an interesting person after they have a baby.  Having a baby certainly does change a lot of things but just like any major life change your true friends will still be there for you, however, you might have to remind them that you definitely DO have time for them still and need them in your life.

I’m Back

It was a fast and furious trip but Europe was a blast!  I loved everywhere we went in very different ways.  Amsterdam was laid back, friendly and more scenic than I expected.  The architecture in Brussels was breathtaking, the pictures could never do it justice.  Paris is a HUGE city and the sites we saw were incredible, definitely something I will never forget seeing for the first time.

T split his time with grandparents while we were away and he had a great time.  This is the longest amount of time he’s been away from us, I think maybe ever, but certainly in his limited memory.  He missed us a lot more than any of us expected I think.  He did great though.  I opted not to do Skype for various reasons and first called my parents and T the night that we were in Brussels.  That was night 3 of  my end of the trip.  We’d been busy and with the time difference it just hadn’t made worked out for us to call until then.  I had successfully not thought about missing T until I heard his sweet little voice tell us that he missed us and ask for a hug.  😦  Of course I teared up.  Thankfully his 3-year-old lack of attention spam kept our conversation pretty short and he did tell me he was having fun so I made a pretty quick recovery.

Before the trip I had only had a night (read a few hours) here and there where I wasn’t employee and/or mom on duty, I was short on patience to say the least and the week away with a brief hiatus on being neither of those did me a world of good.  It’s a great reminder that I need to keep making myself take breaks, short and long ones, to keep in touch with who I am outside of those labels of my everyday so that I can be a better wife, mother, and employee.

If I never take a break or get away I’d also miss out on seeing the sheer joy and excitement of my little guy running towards me to engulf me one of his mega hugs and that is something I will always look cherish.  I know that one day he’ll become way too cool for that.

YAY! I’m Going to Europe

I haven’t posted lately because I’ve had a bad combination of writers block and being completely distracted because YAY I’m going to Europe!!! 

It’s kind of come together quickly so I’m spent most of my spare time during the last couple of weeks researching, planning and dreaming about what we’re going to do and how much I can cram into this short trip of ours. 

I’m super excited about going and having this incredible opportunity, but of course I’m also a little freaked out about parts of it as well.  1)I’m always anxious about leaving T for more than a night or two even though I know he will be in the very capable hands of our parents and having a blast I’m sure  2)Taking a very long flight by myself (S is traveling there the week before for work and I’m meeting him) and 3)Concern about the unknown… considering my foreign travel to date has been limited to Mexico beach resort towns which was of course lots of fun but no doubt a completely different experience than this will be.  Unless I should prepare myself to head off pushy timeshare salesmen when I land in Amsterdam or later visit Paris.  ; )

I know most of my worries are irrational and perhaps even ridiculous, but it’s hard to block them out became so much of it is just how I’m wired.  I want so badly to be carefree, which would no doubt mean less self-induced stress and anxiety in my life for situations like this, but alas that is not how God created me and I’m sure there are reasons for that.  Add that to my list of questions to ask after I’ve left this world.

Right now I’ll just focus on being more positive and possibly looking for an anxiety drug of some sort… I’m kidding I’m kidding… maybe.  I’m sure I’ll arrive in Europe safely with enthusiasm and excitement and arrive home with a new and more appreciative world view.

I’m not taking my laptop but I’m hoping to use S’s to blog a little during the trip or worst case scenerio I will journal and catchup on the blog when I return.  Bonjour for now.

Separation Anxiety

When I dropped T at daycare on my first day back at work he was 8 weeks old.  I cried a lot, the week, day and hours before, but I managed to hold it together on the drive to daycare the day of talking to him about what a fun day he would have.  I walked him into his class, put away his little things, talked to his teacher, who could not have been more lovable, then came time for me to leave and the tears broke free. 

Another mom who’s little one was about a month older than T touched my arm and said to me “I promise it gets easier.”  She was right, it did, my separation anxiety faded as T grew and I became more comfortable with my new self, our routine and came to love his school.   So I was the first one to experience the separation anxiety. 

 Then, after a while it was T’s turn and he was the one crying when I left.  It was hard some days to leave his sweet pouty little face, but I knew he was in good hands and would be all grins shortly after I left.  We both survived, several times during his first year and then again during his second year and yes even now in his 3rd year. 

It’s not every day or even every week, but when it does happen now I find myself having the same mental argument with myself… What did I do to contribute to his uncertainty this morning (rushing him too much,  not letting him wear the beloved “soft shorts” once again)?  Is there something at school that is upsetting to him?  Is this just him manipulating me for attention?  I never really have answers to any of these questions or arguments, I just deal with it when it happens, treat everyday as a new chance for him to try again and then of course there is the bribery… That’s right, sometimes I bribe my child to calmly hug me good-bye and walk into his class like the big boy that he is without whining or clinging to my legs.  The prize varies but the task is always the same.

I know one day he’ll out grow this, hopefully sooner rather than later.  For now, I have to remind myself that this is just another phase of development and that I need to be patient with him… after all I too has my own phase of separation anxiety not so long go.

Shout Out to the Single Mom

Holy crap!  How do you do it?!?  Seriously, I think I might implode!  Whether you have 1 kid or 14, kudos to you for everything that you do!

T and I just returned from vacation with my parents and nieces.  S was supposed to come with us but he and his ankle had an unfortunate incident on the racquetball court the week before so he did not make it on the trip.  T and I had our own room in the condo which was nice (although I did secretly hope my youngest niece would want him to sleep with her, but she’s way too smart for that) and he was pretty much attached to my hip all week.

I had a health respect for single parents before I had a child which of course increased exponentially after I had a child, but when T and I spend concentrated, uninterrupted time together without S around to “take a turn” I stand in awe.    At age 3 the talking alone could push even the strongest and skilled  parent at tuning out to the brink!

I think there must be a special place in heaven for single parents who survive and don’t screw up their kids too badly.  There are no more words to expressive my extreme respect for what they do, everyday… many times without a break.  You people ROCK!

A Second One?

The birth control is officially out of my system.  It’s weird how when you do something for so long that you don’t think much about how it affects you…. whether that be your caffeine routine, alcohol, medicine, even certain habits or people in your life. 

It took a month or so but I do feel distinctly different without all those hormones in my system.  Different in a good way for sure. 

Aside from being happy about that my thoughts are concentrated on this new goal in trying for #2.  Am I really ready for another kid?  Can I ever be ready really?

Something I often thought about after T was born was how I swandered away SO much time before I had T.  All of those silly things in my daily, life that were just time sucks and nothing else.  I actually thought I was busy then.  Ha ha ha!  I clearly had no idea.  And just as I was blind to that then  I have no doubt that I am blind to the insanity that bringing another child into our family will bestow upon us. 

When talking to other people who have made the leap to subsequent children it’s a mixed bag of responses that you get… Some people say “it’s more than twice as hard.”  Others, “it’s so much better the second time because you know what the heck you’re doing and don’t freak out about everything.”  I certainly hope that if we’re blessed with another child I’ll find myself falling into that second camp, but the people of the first opinion kinda freak me out.

The most frightening thing isn’t really having another kid it’s having another baby.  I’m not talking about the actual act of labor… although with my past experience that carries it’s own set of fears and concerns.  I’m talking about having a baby and dealing with the baby stuff (pumping, the “witching hour” which always seemed to occur right after work, the nightly bottle routine, crying… mine and the baby’s, and I could go out but I will spare us all). 

I LOVE kids, and my kid in particular I am completely bonkers about,  but babies, not so much.  After much thought and careful consideration I have determined that I am just NOT a baby person and I’m really very ok with that, however, I am fearful that perhaps I have passed this on to T.

Last weekend we went to see a good friend of mine that just had her first baby and T told me in no uncertain terms that he did NOT like me holding that baby.  So, we both have some baby issues to work through, but I think we’ll come around on it.

Weighty Issues

I have talked to many women who hated what pregnancy did to their bodies and they were not comfortable with the weight gain and body changes during pregnancy in general… that was not at all my experience.  Being at least a bit overweight for most of my life, my pregnancy was the first time in my post puberty life that I wasn’t always looking at my profile in mirrors and glass reflections to see if my stomach was sticking out… it was of course but it was supposed to and I LOVED that. 

Thanks to feeling almost constantly nauseous during my first trimester I actually lost a little weight then, so throughout the whole pregnancy I was able to stay in the “normal” range for weight gain.  By the way, you would think that they adjust this “normal” range for people who go into pregnancy being overweight but they don’t at all…which sounds like a good thing but one side effect for me was that during this brief period of weight loss or maintaining the same weight my doctor’s office still made me come in every week for a several weeks between weeks 7 and 13 until I was back on the upward trend and that was entirely annoying.

It’s hard to describe, but for me, there was just something nice about being able to embrace my curves as being for a greater cause and not just a reminder of my less than perfect genetics and life style choices.  It was helpful that my doctor and her staff had a very healthy view about pregnancy weight gain, always encouraging, be the weight gain normal or a little more than optimal.  I have a friend whose doctor’s very large screen electronic scale was in the middle of the hall where everyone waited to use the bathroom before their appointments and nurses who would make comments after every weigh-in.  I always felt so sorry for her having to deal with that situation at every visit especially since she was incredibly healthy and one of those ALL baby pregnant girls.  If that was my reality would I be at a healthier weight now post baby, perhaps, but I would have been a nervous wreck at every visit and physiologically might have even more weight related self-esteem issues now than I did before the pregnancy.

I feel like pregnancy and the maturity of motherhood has made my attitude towards weight and appearance much healthier than it was in my pre-baby life and for that I am very thankful.

Of course, I’m sure now that I have voiced this opinion I have jinxed myself and my next pregnancy will completely throw me for a loop making me miserably self-conscious about my body but hopefully  not, after all, who has the time for all that worrying!